the Proper Woman's Guide to Dating

Obviously, as society we have forgotten what proper dating is. When a man opens the door for me, flashes a huge grin, and says, "See? Chivalry is not dead," I have to resist the urge not to roll my eyes back into my head. Pointing out chivalry is really annoying, Plus the same guy texted me when he got to my house instead of coming to my door. Here are general rules:

No kissing until the 3rd date (Unless of course it's New Year's Eve)

• While the wait sucks for both parties, kissing him may give him the wrong idea. The third date is when the secrets come out. If you still like him after you discover his weird quirks then you may kiss him. If you kiss him too soon then you risk him falling in love with you before you decide if you really like him or not. Waiting saves his feelings. 

No house dates until after the 5th date

• House dates might cause you to dress more casual than you should. Also house date means make out session. We all know it. This goes along the whole kissing line. You don't want to lead him on before you know you like him. Unnecessary broken hearts are no fun at all. Also you want him to get in the habit of making sure he is clean. House dates too soon promote sloppy behavior. The smell can be very gross if you do not wait long enough.

You must date for a minimum of 1 month before becoming official

• Dating other people while dating him encourages him to be on his best behavior. He knows he is competing. Do not rub this fact in his face, but make subtle hints occasionally. If you talk about other men then you will upset him. No man likes to be taken advantage of. He may not know that you really like him.

You should be granted access to his phone as he will have access to mine

• No man should accuse his girlfriend of thinking he is untrustworthy because she wants to see his phone. Sometimes we like to be reassured or we just want to look at your pictures. There is no reason for guys to get all upset if their girlfriend wants to see their phone. Please have the decency to pretend you don't look at porn. SO YES! If you want access to your man's phone then you better give him access to your's!  

Always dress as well as possible for the occasion 

Perfect for the rainy days <3

• If you don't dress nice then neither will he.

Rules for your man that if he is not following you should worry:

He must become friends with your gay best friend

• Friends in general. He doesn't have to be best friends in a sense, but he has to communicate with them. I do not want him being a stranger to my friends.

He must pay for dinner unless on special occasions such as his birthday

• Girls provide boobs and guys provide money for dinner. That's how it goes. It's like unspoken prostitution, but cleaner and with emotions...Okay, not my best analogy, but you get my point.

He should not be insulted if you ask him where he is going for the night (You am simply curious)

• There is no reason to get upset that I want to know where you are going unless you are doing something that I would not approve of. If you are doing something that you do not feel comfortable telling me about, then stop doing it. 

He must put in the effort to smell like a normal human.

He must come to your door. 

He must add you on all his social media sites.

To be 5 minutes late because he lost his way is one thing. Being a half hour late because he was slow is another. 

• Continuous tardiness should not be tolerated 

There are so many more rules. Dating is unfortunately a game, but the prize is love and that is worth fighting for. Remember that if you do not put in the effort then neither will he. Thank you for dropping by and remember playing people is wrong, unsafe sex can lead to bad things, kissing is not a crime, addiction to anything is unhealthy in its own way, children are huge responsibilities, tight dresses are not comfortable on your period, laundry must be done, wrinkle free shirts are the best investment, you should never leave the house without lip gloss, you will never regret keeping an extra pair of pants in your locker, too much salt causes bloating, you are your own person, Sex and the City is your guide to life, not everything happens for a reason but it will keep on happening anyway, no one book should dictate how you live your life, yourself in 5 years will be a combination of the people you meet and the books you read, feminism means equality, and you do not have to be artistic to do art. 

Never Been Kissed! (Sun-Kissed That Is)

Lemon Infused Water
(Infused water is my new obsession)

Pucker up, because this post is all about kissing! Of course I've been kissed before. However, my friend *Miranda and I were discussing kissing a lot today. In fact, now that I'm single I've been talking about kissing all the time. I've never tanned and since spring break just ended everyone came back showing off their tans. My skin was white as usual. Anyway, I figured that there's always room for knowledge on kissing. My male friends especially need help with this kissing concept. I'm going to use my past kisses to help give tips. What better way then to give you examples. First however, we need to talk about the serious parts of kissing. So here's the nasty stuff:
What can you contract from kissing?

• Colds- You probably already knew that you could get colds from other people. Many different viruses can cause colds. Just make sure that whoever you're kissing isn't sick. Runny noses and raspy coughs are really obnoxious. 
• Glandular Fever- This is literally known as the kissing disease. It's spread through saliva and causes infection on contact (ew) 
• Warts!- YES! Oral warts can be spread through kissing. This is more likely if the person has recently had warts. This is why kissing random guys at parties may not be the safest thing to do. You don't know him or his mouth history. 
• Herpes Infection- Basically viruses such as chicken pox and cold sores. Cold sores are reoccurring where as chicken pox are a one time thing. Cold sores can be spread even when they have already healed. Chicken pox will spread air borne as well soooo just avoid people who have it unless you've already had it (I'm still hiding from it)
• Hepatitis B- This is extremely rare to get, because the disease is passed through blood more than saliva, but don't kiss people who have open sores around their mouths unless you are completely sure that they have no history of disease.

This information on kissing was found from the Better Health Channel. Click the URL for more: http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Kissing_and_your_health?open 

Okay! Now we are done with the serious kissing stuff. Just avoid kissing sick people, get vaccinations, and know the nasty stuff. Now let's move on to my kissing experiences. I'm kind of an expert when it comes to kissing. 

• *Mitch- He was my first kiss, but it was in third grade so I can't really rate it. I was making faces at him an he turned around really fast.
• *Devon- Devon was my first boyfriend and my first intentional kiss. He had a really minty mouth and never went anywhere with out breath mints (+). His kisses were really spit filled though. He had really active saliva glands. Is that a thing? (-). His overall rating was a 6. Minty is good, too much saliva is bad!
• *Zig- There was no real good things about his kissing. He kept bumping my teeth. Rating is 5. Please know what your teeth are doing! Bumping teeth hurts!
• *Simon- He was a lip sucker. Not just one lip but both. He sucked both of my lips in his mouth. This is not okay. Rating is a 5. There is no contest to see how much of some one's lips you can fit in your mouth!
• *Tim- I don't remember how his kisses were. He had virgin lips so I know they were pretty bad. He also talked about how he could taste my last meal. Ew! Overall rate is a 5. I snacked on boxes of mints before he came over. He kept tasting his own meals. Clean your mouth before kissing! 
• *Leo- He had to throw up after kissing me and he kissed with his eyes open. Rating is a 4. Do not kiss someone if you are sick! Close your eyes! Kissing with your eyes open is so annoying!
• *Axel- I can't remember his kisses much. I can only remember that he hurt my back. He did this weird thing where he leaned over me until I almost fell over. Rating is 6. When kissing do not practice yoga! Thank you! 
• *Jim- Rate is 3. Do not suffocate people with your tongue! That's all I can say. Don't do it. Stop. Stop it now.
• Drew- He kissed me spontaneously without asking (+) There were no butterflies so unfortunately he only scores a 7.5. Kiss spontaneously sometimes!
• The Christian Boy- He was a new kisser. I think virgin kissers can either be really good or really bad, You can easily mold them into a good kisser. His rating was an 8.5. Being a virgin kisser is not a bad thing! Flaunt it! 
• The Nerd- Where to begin. He started slow (+). He licked my teeth (-). He attacked my face (-). He made awkward sucking sounds (-). There was too much saliva (-). He sucked my tongue (-). He bit my nose (-).  Rating is 1. Start slow and romantic! Do not involve teeth in your kissing unless you are lip biting! Do not eat your partner's face! Try to make as little mouth sounds as possible! Do not bite their nose! Unless they're into that. I don't judge. Make sure they do before you go ahead and do it thought. because it can be really awkward.
• The Romantic- He knew how to lip bite, but his nose always got in the way. I'm not sure if you can control the size of your nose. His rating is a 7.5. Always bite lip! Only the lower lip though!
• My Sailor- Talk about romantic movie kisses. Slow can be a plus, but when things get heated it's okay to go a little faster. His rating is a 9. Slow, calculate kisses with lip biting are really good! Keep pace!
• The Lifeguard- If you are taller than your partner you need to know how to adjust. They can't do anything. It's all on you. Also if you're going to be in the sun, use chap stick! His rating is 6. 
• Mr. Player- He had nice clean hair and a little bit of facial hair. I give him a 7.5. He wasn't the best kisser ever, and his lips were chapped. Rating is a 7. Clean your hair! A little stubble is sexy (Little tip to my very few male readers)! PLEASE, PLEASE WEAR CHAP STICK! (Not the medical type stuff. Use something with a minty flavor (guys) or a lip gloss (girls))
• The Gremlin- Too much hair gel and I couldn't run my fingers through his hair. His lips were soft though. His rating is an 8. There is such thing as too much gel! 

I hope my experience gives a little advice on how to properly kiss. Let's do a quick summary. Kissing can cause nasty stuff. Know who you are kissing. Practice oral hygiene. Do not involve teeth in kissing unless you are lip biting. Do not attack the person's face. Do not use an excessive amount of tongue. Move your hands a little bit. The more heated the more you can move. Know your partner's boundaries and your's so you know when to slow down a little bit. Close your eyes, relax, and enjoy. 

He Loaned Me a Book!

So I figured a few things out over the last week:

• The guy I am into (the one I call Nerd) is a commitment-phobe
• Nerd is a really, really awful kisser
• The hotter a guy is, the more likely he is to be a bad kisser (they think looks will get them everywhere)
• I think the Nerd is already bored of me (saw it coming, but it still sucks)
• Noticed how many times "good" is used in place of "well" on TV and it's really starting to irritate me 
• The good guys have already been taken
• Lifeguards are hot (period) 
• It's extremely annoying when guys apologize and say they're ashamed for kissing me
• I really hate chemistry 



Birthday Cake Frappe
I'm going to go exercise for the rest of my life now

• Cucumber soda exists (and it's amazing)

I've also compiled a list of things that should come back into style:

• Making mixed CDs
• Flowers on the first date
• Walking to your date's front door
• Reading for fun
• Saddle shoes and poodle skirts

So this is my closing notes for my last boyfriend. We are officially over as of last Thursday. Instead of fighting for me he said that I should deal with him being distant, because he always has to deal with my problems. He doesn't like coming to my door when he picks me up, adding my mother on Facebook, or public displays of affection. I think I cried more about losing my 8th grade boyfriend. Which says a lot, because my 8th grade boyfriend was really irritating and I really wanted him to break up with me. I got to flirt a lot today. Most of the good guys are taken now though. Nerd is being really awkward after our kiss, because he thinks I might become too attracted to him and want to date him. This is totally true, but I'd be happy remaining just friends, because he is such a perfect guy. He brings me food when he knows I haven't eaten; he's always worrying about me and driving me everywhere. How can a guy who does so much for me not like me? He's either bored or just being awkward. I don't know what to do. I'll return the book he loaned me tomorrow and see if he'll talk to me (HE LOANED ME A BOOK! HELLO! DREAM MAN!) He is a really bad kisser. If we stay friends then I can get all the benefits of having an attractive male taking care of me, and we'll never have to kiss again! I call that a win. No matter what happens between us I am not going to seriously date anyone for a long time. I am done having to deal with that. I have access to the Sailor if I need someone to kiss and lots of guys want to take me out on dates, so I still get to dress up and go out. Dating in high school is just really annoying. I am removing my rule about only dating college guys, because they are just as immature as high school boys except they have easier access to booze. 

School is going well, but I still have to turn in my college applications. I also hate chemistry. I am at the top of my classes in everything except chemistry! I try, but I have no understanding of it. I remember when I used to complain about how school wasn't challenging enough. In fact I complained about how it was challenging enough up until high school. It's like running off a cliff. You run in the air for a while and everything seems okay until you realize that there is no ground below you and you're actually about to crash. 

Thanks for reading.

Your Carrie Bradshaw of Teen Dating, 

Shae

I Think I'm Single?

I'm in a bit of a predicament. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM SINGLE! I don't really know how it happened. I realize that I haven't posted in such a long time so let me give you a little background.

Cotton Candy Frappuccino
w/Raspberry Whip Cream

• I started dating The Romantic last December 
• First date was romantic and he spilled pasta on me
• We started going steady in February 
• For Valentines day I bought him a personalized bracelet and he bought me a cake (He hinted at buying me a Michael Kohrs Bag... I didn't want to be the cheap ass girlfriend)
• We started only hanging out at his house
• Second date we went out to eat with his stepbrother and his stepbrother's family (I was totally ignore and instead of me going home with him, he went home with his brother)
• He is a total party boy so I only get his Sunday nights 
• We started not to see each other every week
• His texts became shorter
• He never called anymore
• He left for Colorado and barely talked to me while he was there
• He is always 1 to 2 hours late for our dates and then 15 minutes later than the time he reschedules to
• He changes things last minute

Believe me when I say I've communicated that these things bother me. We've been dating for months and I tell him all the time that his behaviors bother me. I tried to schedule a night to talk things through, because he's a great guy, but he assumed I was going to break up with him. So over text he told me to just be mature. I WAS BEING MATURE BY WANTING TO TALK TO HIM AND NOT JUST DUMP HIS ASS! I texted him my problems (which I thoroughly hate doing). He told me that I never told him his actions bother me. He then told me that this is why girls break up with him, God must hate him, and I shouldn't be sad, because it's nothing personal. He didn't fight for me. It felt more like a pity party in truth, Then he just stopped texting me. I actually checked my own relationship status on Facebook to see if I was single yet. I'm not according to Facebook. SO even though it isn't official I figured it was cool if I made out with the hot guy I met at homecoming last year. I'm emotionally broken up, so it's okay, right? 

I'm not doing very well in math and I've taken a liking to a guy who has a girlfriend and considers me a little sister. HE SAID I WAS LIKE A PUPPY! He said I was cute but also mentioned how he feels the need to take care of me. I can take care of myself; he just worries too much. He's really sweet though. He always brings me food, we talk about famous literature, we go to concerts, we sit in parking lots and just share our favorite music, and damn, he has a really cute smile. He also texts me quotes from the books he's reading. He's sexy, athletic, and intelligent. Why must I be friend zoned?? I'm calling him *Nerd. Oh well.... I still have the homecoming boy to keep me entertained. He's incredibly hot and oh so muscular. I shouldn't be discussing this stuff yet since I'm not actually single. 

Anyway, wish me luck.

Your Hopelessly Romantic Partner in Crime,

Shae

Fishing For Compliments: Not Just For Ladies Anymore!

Gosh, this week has been busy. Finals and DECA districts. It's pretty crazy on my end.
Life is pretty much going perfect right now. I have the perfect boy, I'm at a pretty average weight, my finals went well, etc. It is so cold though! I'm just sitting at work. I feel like the total stereotypical secretary. I'm blogging, listening to Pandora, and ignoring calls. I'm pretty sure this is how it was described in my job description. There is an annoying message on loop here. It's only 1 minute long. I'm pretty sure I have it memorized.
Mr. Player (Previously Mentioned in Other Blog Posts) has major depression. I just found this out today for the record. I just played a guy with depression. However, is depression really a excuse for using women? I don't use guys and I have depression. Anyway, morals and ethics aside, I have successfully played the biggest player at our school.
The plan was to first get his attention. I had to sacrifice my classy style for a few days. It's easy to get a boys attention. Here's a few tips:

When Your White Friend Buys Your White
Self, Starbucks

• When you stretch, make sure your shirt shows a little mid riff (Not a ton. Just enough to spark interest)
• Know their favorite bands and wear their T-Shirts (Do a little Facebook stalking. Women Band Shirts give a more fitted look and will flatter your body better)
• Answer questions in class
• Be clumsy! (Accidentally bump into a desk, drop your pencil, knock a few things over, etc)
• Smile (Not at them directly, but smiling shows confidence and optimism. Subconsciously, guys find happier women more attractive)
• Blush! (Blushing is super attractive. Stop trying to cover it up. If you're called out and your face turns red, don't worry! Just comb your fingers through your hair, awkward giggle, and get on with your life)

Once I had his attention I made him flirt with me. He would call me cute, I would giggle and say thank you, but I would never return the favor. This annoyed him. He wanted me to compliment him so he was constantly trying to compliment me and fish for compliments (It's not just for females anymore).

I let him kiss me. For a player he isn't a very good kisser. He isn't very cute either. He's a little on the pudgy side, and should invest in some chap stick, a hair brush, and a better razor. MEN TAKE NOTE: If you have confidence you can have any woman you want.

We then made out. While we were I stopped him and told him that I was seeing other people. He said it was fine and that he was too. 

I had his confession.

Every night he would try to be flirty and ask what I was wearing. I would respond somewhere along the lines of, "Some guys warm up jersey," or "My friend (Insert random sexy sounding guy name)'s sweatshirt." That ticked him off. I wouldn't text him for long periods of time and pretend that I was out on dates. 

I had him angry.

To hit it home, I got a boyfriend. Mr. Player was exposed, angered, and dumped. I still have his confessional text messages. Now the question is what to do with them. Sending them to his girlfriend would be too easy. I'm working on it. 

The key things to remember while playing a player are:

• Don't tell anyone about your plan
• Don't fall in love
• Ignore his problems ie depression (There is no excuse for using women. DO NOT LET THESE GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR MISSION)
• Do not, in anyway, do anything you don't want people finding out about (As soon as you expose him he will attempt to retaliate. Play it safe)

I'm not telling you to go out and try to play all of the players. This can give you a bad reputation. I just want you to know what to do if this is the choice you decide to make. It may work and it may not. It is the risk you choose to take. Make sure you have good reason for doing so. 

When Choosing Mr. Right

There are rumors that my sleazy ex boyfriend is getting dumped which serves him right. Today I'm going to be talking about guys. Yes, this is very surprising. Realized that there is no perfect guys in high school. I also have some experience with college guys, and let me just say that they aren't all that great either. I talked to this one guy who told me that is was totally reasonable that I was dumped because I accept homosexual marriage. How is this reasonable? Listened to sophomore boys talk about poop which was rather disturbing. Guys always blame girls for fishing for compliments when they are equally as guilty! I'm going out with this one guy who talks about all the nice stuff he does for girls. How about shutting up and actually carrying out your plans?
I'm also seeing 2 college students at the moment. 1 seems like a total fruitcake. Do guys usually tell you they're in love with your hair? Everything he says is a compliment. He wants to take me star gazing in his pickup. Can't get any more Tumble than that right there. He's also only 5 foot 6. Guess I'm leaving the heels at home. Going out to my favorite restaurant with him tomorrow. Praying everything goes well.
I have a date tonight with the other college boy. Although I'm not totally sure it's a date. He thinks I am too young for him which is hilarious because my IQ could eat the average college students' IQ for breakfast. Okay, so not really, but I am highly intelligent. He and I are going out to a concert tonight. No dinner though which irritates me slightly but I guess he's really trying to hammer in the whole "just friends" thing which is rather fine with me since I'm seeing 2 other guys right now.
Was just on TV so guess I'm doing pretty well for myself. One day I'll find someone who isn't intimidated by my brains, thinks that I'm beautiful, and doesn't act like a submissive puppy.
I am still in love with my ex. I know it's dumb since he broke my heart and he still doesn't want me back, but I never shut up about him. I'm always looking at him. Those dumb blue eyes of his, that red hair, those pink lips. I hate him for hurting me, but I guess we'll always want we cannot have. How do married couples work? Do they actually love each other or did they settle because they couldn't reach perfection? Will we all just end up settling for someone. In the end do betterflies really matter or should we really be searching for someone to care for us and treat us well. Someone who will take care of us when we're sick and keep us warm in bed at night. Are butterflies just stress sickness? Can there be love without that awkward turning sensation in our stomachs? Should we be searching for compatibility or for weak knees?
Your Love Sick Teenage Partner in Crime,
Shae Vin

To Land a Man in 2 Weeks

My life has been a total roller coaster of emotion lately. Some days I am totally happy and everything is going awesome but then the next day it seems like everything is just terrible. No, I am not bipolar for all of you out there who are trying to psychoanalyze me. I am just a teenage girl. I discovered today that the fish (my ex's girlfriend that he dumped me for) can sing. I hate that she's better than me. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss him, I miss the happy relationship. He broke my heart and hurt my pride. Oh well, at least I can be satisfied by my TV interview next week. I'm going to be on the news. I just wish he felt my pain. I still haven't found anyone to drag to my upcoming jazz concert. It's 2 weeks away.
I smell like sweat. I hate this sweater.
I have a few guys that I am thinking of right now...

1. Mister Mourning
Tall blonde with beautiful eyes and a sweet personality. He has a vehicle which would be awesome but he has been recently dumped and it would be near impossible to convince him even if I mentioned it was a totally platonic date

2. Muscle Man
He's 24 so this would be nothing more than a friendship thing. He works with my mom as a nurse. Nursing can be considered a noble profession? Whatever, I don't buy into those sexist stereotypes. He's hot and has a car, but since there is no possible chance of romance I'm not sure I want to go with him

3. The Invisible One
I've never actually seen him in real life and don't actually know if he has a vehicle. I know that he's attractive and into music. We don't talk much but I'm not excluding him from my list

4. Cupcake In a Cup Boy

Coffee Cupcake
While not a drink, I thought it best fit today's theme 

He sits behind me in math and I've used my best flirting on him. Everyday I ask him what he made in his cooking class the previous hour. He's single for sure because I used one of my best lines: "Your girlfriend is lucky to have a man who can cook for her." He totally blushed and admitted to being single. Not sure if he has a car though. He also has short teeth. Is that a reason not to like someone? I'm keeping him as a possibility

To the person who left me a comment:
Although I appreciate you taking the time to leave me a message I don't think I can just let love happen. Nothing has been accomplished by doing nothing. Love doesn't just happen. You have to go and find it. While just waiting for it to happen seems like the more desirable, poetic option, life isn't just going to find me a soul mate. I have to go find him. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have four viable options and two weeks!